1. |
Christmastime
02:33
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there's a fire in its place
christmastime
there's a bird in its place
christmastime
there's no rule about loving the snow
there's no law against ho ho ho
there's grandma with her face
christmastime
there's a baby with its face
christmastime
there's a turkey that needs basting
christmastime
all this joy is not a waste
christmastime
the tree is trimmed, the gifts are wrapped, the snow has fell, our hearts are rapt
christmastime
the laws of time and space dictate that it can only be one day
it's christmastime
there's a tree in the room
christmastime
our bellies are stuffed with food
christmastime
you are in your place
christmastime
i am in my place
christmastime
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2. |
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Cale:
Christmas time will shake your ass!
Christmas time will wear a hat!
Christmas is a time for family and gettin' gifts.
Rab:
It'll put a fire under ya!
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3. |
Not That
03:13
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And no I won't sleep on that
musty cot
that plastic wrapped
baby suffocator.
Not that creak of floorboard
Not that chiming clock
Not that 4AM footprint.
Not that. Not that.
And this time of year is just
crushed Xanax
around the rim of my
Daiquiri glass
Hazy creak of floorboard
muffled chiming clock
violent 4AM sex dream
Xanax...
Xanax...
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4. |
(Christmas Brassieres)
00:25
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Rab:
Christmas time is a time for cheer
a time for girls in...
loose-fitting clothing
Cale:
I've always said that
Christmas comes with
too many brassieres...
More nipples please
Christmas Morning
Rab:
Oh!
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5. |
Song for the Lovers
02:21
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No more fucking
No more fucking
No more naked fun
No more sexy one
No more bedroom
No more privacy
Only living room
Only TV
Now take off your pants
And just sit there
In the bluish glow
In your underwear
Rub your hands together
Doesn't it feel warm?
And open up your heart
To the wholesome part
(Don't fuck)
No more fucking
No more fucking
No more naked fun
No more sexy one
No more fucking...
(Don't fuck)
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6. |
The Queen's Address
04:20
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I didn't get what I wanted
but it's on its way
this kind of present
doesn't come in a sleigh
will she tell us about the aliens?
share her feelings about wing-tipped shoes?
paint us by numbers
Rise from the primordyule oooze
And I would slam a child's face into a
wall for just one moment
of the Queen's Address!
I waited all morning
I waited 'til noon
Over a refreshing glass of eggnog
I study the runes.
Will she fill us with saintly needs?
bake us a town house?
sign all of our trading cards
Bring life to the commonwealth!
I would dropkick a cat across the
skies
for just one precious moment of the
Queen's Address!
I'm commin' to see her
but it'll take a few days
I step on my pony
and ride awaaaaay
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7. |
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this season calls for new adventures in shame
this season calls out my name
i beat my fist on the turkey that you made
i beat my fist on the table, your family screams...
"what are you doing with this fucking asshole?
what are you doing? Let's put him out in the snow."
i am so proud of all of the gifts that i bought
the gas tank for timmy and all of the rest that i lost
and all you could give me were yr tears and yr scorn
i am going down to the bar to get drunk where it's warm
what am i doing with you fucking assholes?
what am i doing with you, I'd rather not know.
the weatherman curses my name
santa claus curses my name
my mother curses my name
the father curses my name ...they scream,...
"what are you doing? Don't you feel shame
scrounging around looking for people to blame?
the year gets cold, the wind blows, but you live
look in yr heart, see you have something to give."
No no
No no
No I don't.
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8. |
Tryptophan Halo
02:51
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It's the holidays
It's time to reveal
to your daughter in law
that her husband
was infested by worms
as a young boy
because parasites are endearing
or something
In that horrid daze
of a shoe polish nightmare
This weekend this night is
my own hell
For these holidays
that tryptophan halo
will squeeze round your shoulders
and crush you!
It's that holiday
The one where you sleep
through the day
just to prolong your dreaming
A dream of
yuletide fires burning
the house and your family to cinders...
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9. |
(Baby Bakin')
00:22
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Rab:
I was born in August
So my parents must have
fucked on Christmas Eve
Cale:
I'm a Christmas baby
Celebrate the birth
with some Baby Makin'
Celebrate the birth
with some Baby Bakin'
Rab:
Baking in the oven
the metaphorical oven
that is your uterus
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10. |
New Year's Resolution
02:55
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I have got a new years
resolution
I have got some big new years
plans
It involves you
your mom, and all of your friends
It involves you
your mom, and all your
lady friends
I am gonna get some women pregnant
and run out on all of them
I don't want you to think
that I'm just talking about you
and the women that you know.
I am talkin' as many as I can
yeah, these are my big new years
plans
I am gonna get some women pregnant
and run out on all of them
The family life - what's it matter?
I am out for fun and numbers
I have got a new years
resolution
And you might wanna lock up your
daughters
I am comin' round door to door
layin it on sweet
lookin' to score
I am gonna get some women pregnant
and run out on all of them
the family life - what's it matter
when I am out for fun and numbers?
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11. |
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Rab:
Christmas time will bring you all the things that you desire
except the stuff that's on your list 'cause your parents think it's too expensive
And santa doesn't give a crap about your desires.
Cale:
mmm I think that's all he cares about...
Rab:
He's busy figuring out how to resolve his sexual dysfunctions
with the elves...
the elves are developing medical products
with the help of GlaxoSmithKline pharmaceuticals
which they are selling
to people - after they declare their patent
and it is approved by the government of
Finland
'cause that's probably where the north pole is...
Finland: the home of Santa and his wife
who are trying to have sexual intercourse
Cale:
While still remaining morally upright...
Rab:
They're married, you know.
Nobody's living in sin except the elves
who refuse to come forward
with their claims of sexual abuse
by their foreman
Cale:
Henry
Rab:
Also Santa...
Henry won't come forward either
Elves come backwards - or didn't you know?
Cale:
*Ritualistic elf ejaculation sound effect*
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Horses About Men Toronto
Horses About Men met in a some place somewhere, but it wasn't until later that they began to do the
thing.
They continue to do the thing, and much of that thing is available here for you to wiggle and spasm along with.
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